I’ve noticed that the number of women who flirt with me has decreased significantly in recent years. Back in my heyday, before I was married, I caught the attention of at least three or four women a year. Now, it’s one woman every three or four years.
It may have something to do with my wedding ring and that fact that “I AM TOTALLY COMMITTED TO MY MARRIAGE.” (Note: My marriage license clearly spells out that I must publicly declare my total commitment to my wife “in bold, capital letters” when writing a column speculating about what I would do or say if I were single.)
A few weeks ago I caught a woman in the grocery store smiling at me. Turns out it wasn’t a smile but a grimace. She needed directions to the restroom. Does that qualify as flirting?
Even if I were single and went to a nightclub, I wouldn’t know what to say to impress a woman. I’d probably say something like:
“Hey, I stayed up until 10 p.m. last night.” (Wink. Wink.)
Or “Hey. I did two loads of laundry today.”
Or “How about I come over and vacuum your whole house, baby.”
I know some of you ladies are digging this.
To be honest, if I were single (and not TOTALLY COMMITTED TO MY MARRIAGE) I’d be too afraid to flirt with a woman these days. Have you read the headlines lately? It seems that a guy can’t even smile at a woman or open the door for one without being slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. If I did go out on a date, I’d bring a third-party witness. A chaperone. Like my mom.
Me (calling on the phone): “Hi Mom. Can you chaperone my date tonight?”
Mom: “Sorry, I’m busy. How about your dad?”
Me: “No thanks. Last time he asked my date to pull his finger.”
According to the secret government agency FWGS (Flirting Without Getting Sued), using humor when flirting a safe approach.
“When used properly, humor is an incredibly powerful tool for making women like you,” said FWGS Agent Gowan Getter. “But go easy at first. Side effects include comedy-induced involuntary urination, which is not always the best thing on a first date, but usually acceptable by the third date.”
He provided some examples of funny things to say to impress a woman on the first date:
“I have a third nipple. Want to see it?”
“Have you ever thought of losing a few pounds?”
If those don’t melt a woman’s heart, he suggested saying: “I love cats! The more, the better.”
If you get to the end of a date and you’re not sure how it went, he recommended you ask the woman to fill out a survey. What a great idea! Here are some of the questions I would put on survey (if I weren’t TOTALLY COMMITTED TO MY MARRIAGE):
Scott is very self conscious about his bald spot. Does he have reason to be?
Scott tends to over analyze things. Do you think it’s true? (Please provide as many examples, facts, statistics, testimonies and flip charts as possible.)
How are Scott’s conversational skills? Did he talk too much about himself? Because he knows that’s a problem and he’s trying to get better and once he went to a psychiatrist but that didn’t help, so he decide to go skydiving because he always wanted to go skydiving but the plane was broken and … What was the question?
How did this date go before Scott handed you this survey?
Would you like a self-addressed, stamped envelope to return this survey or do plan to throw it directly in the trash when Scott is gone?
If Scott’s dad asked you to pull his finger, would you?
One thing is for certain. If I think a woman is flirting with me, the first thing I’m going to say is “Are you smiling me or do you need directions to the bathroom?”
If the answer is smiling, than I’ll immediately declare “I’M TOTALLY COMMITTED TO MY MARRIAGE!”
Scott Graves was editor of the Curry Coastal Pilot from September 2000 to November 2017. He can be reached by calling 541-469-3123 or firstname.lastname@example.org