Oh, for years, I have lived on the brink of poverty, eating ramen noodles, white bread and peanut butter. For years, I have sacrificed, foregoing heating my house so I could keep my cigarette habit (which I have quit, by the way).
I don’t have a TV. I don’t have wifi. I grow my own food, and irrigate with water collected from the roof.
I know how to suffer.
But no longer! I am done being poor! I have found a way out! I’m going to be rich beyond all imagination!
My newfound riches will be all because of water. Yeah, that stuff: right here under my nose the whole time, right?
Here’s my idea, and it’s already patented, so don’t even bother copying me.
I don’t know about you, but I cannot stand the water that comes in plastic bottles. Sure, I’ll drink it when Cascadia rips and the Chetco is too muddy to drink, but until then? I’ll take my water from the tap, at $.004 cents a gallon, 1/300th the cost of bottled water.
There’s something about the plastic that, to me, makes the water taste … fabricated. The hole in the bottle is too small, too. I don’t know why that bugs me; it just feels wrong. And the bottles are flimsy, unlike a solid glass that makes you feel like you’re drinking something substantial. Healthy.
So. I’m going to use cardboard to package my water, like the cardboard they use to package milk.
I’ll buy cardboard boxes by the pallet and fill them with … water!
Granted, there are already companies doing this. They do it because water bottled in plastic containers has become the poster child of un-ecological consumption. A company in Maine bottles Sacred Living Spring Water.
But they have a chink in their advertising armor, a chink into which I shall dig and prosper. It says:
•“Boxed water is better use reverse osmosis then carbon filtered purified municipal drinking water
•This is a simple, refreshing, packaged water
•About 76 percent of the box is from a renewable resource, trees.”
I’m sorry; this isn’t even English.
Their boxes got poor reviews, too, mostly regarding leakage that forced people to put the water in jars! Can you imagine?
“Quick! Find a jar! The box is leaking!” Really? We’re not talking Kentucky bourbon, here.
The remaining 24 percent of the “renewable resourced box” reveals it is a “complicated layer cake of polyethylene plastic and aluminum.” A complicated layer cake. Yum!
One customer review read: “This water tastes great! It reminds me of the water in Flint, Michigan! Recommended!”
But it’s reverse osmosified! That’ll clean up even the Ganges River water, right?
Another reviewer: “This water tastes nasty. The flavor is a combo of plastic and metal.”
Another company throws in after-dinner mints with each purchase. I assume they’re to plunk in each carton to cover up that nasty taste.
And why is water from the tap supposedly so bad? (Flint, excepting.)
Especially in Oregon. This place is just OOZING with water! We can’t get rid of it all!
So, I’m going to use it to my financial advantage.
My water will be locally sourced … ummm — from the river! The Rogue River! Wild Rogue River water! Wild, locally sourced, naturally filtered, organic, free-range water! I shall advertise it as raw, like they do goat milk, so I don’t have to go through all those pesky food inspections. Nestle doesn’t; why should I?
Maybe I’ll include a little bit of river grit on the bottom, to display its authenticity! Maybe throw in a Rogue River agate to depict the positive, cleansing energy of water.
I shall call my boxed-water company R-River, O-Organic, G-Genuine, U-Uncontaminated, E-Environment!
And skip all the way to the bank.