Scott Graves
Curry Coastal Pilot

Have I told you how much I love my power-washer?

Let me count the ways ...

Making dirty things clean is oddly satisfying. There’s nothing like the feel of obliterating stuff — dirt, moss, scum, bug guts, annoying kids — using a device that shoots a jet of water at 1,900-pound-per-square inch.

Power-washers are nothing to be trifled with. Point the wand in the wrong direction and you can bore a hole right through your foot. (I know this from experience. Don’t worry, the toe eventually grew back.)

When I opened the user manual for the first time I was greeted on the first page by a list of scare-the-poop-out-of-you hazard icons and warnings. The settings on this model were stun, maim and kill.

Power-washers are awesome devices and be can be used in a variety of ways, many of which are not listed in the operator’s manual, like blasting small children into space.

Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. A responsibility, that is, to wash anything and everything in sight. The trailer. The sidewalk. The outside furniture. The side of the house. The fence. The dog. (Oh look, kids! We now own a hairless retriever!)

Oh sure, you can use a power-washer for mundane things like washing the driveway or ridding the vinyl siding of unwanted mold and moss, but why stop there?

Got spiders?

The washer will make quick work of their pesky webs and egg sacs under house eaves.

Mushy dog doo?

The washer will disintegrate any doo into instant fertilizer for the lawn!

Wasp nest?

Whack that puppy right out of that hard-to-reach corner — and then run like heck! (A friend suggested spraying the wasp nest with wasp spray beforehand, but where’s the adventure in that?)

The refrigerator?

It’s time to end the science experiments. Haul that fridge outside and go to town!

Toe jam?

What better way to get that icky stuff out from between your toes and around the nails? Just make sure you use the lowest setting — we wouldn’t want any unexpected amputations (or missing toenails).

Skateboard propulsion system.

I’m not kidding! Hop on your skateboard and point the washer wand behind you, with the water hitting the ground and propelling you forward. Hours of entertainment.

Squirt gun fight?

Oh yeah, people show up with their triple-action pump water guns, but when I arrive with my pressure-washer? Game over, man.

The uses for a power washer are limitless:

Cleaning cloth diapers?

Priming a car for painting?

Your kid’s bedroom?

Messy relationships?

What about you, readers? Do you need anything pressure washed?

Oh come on.