Scott Graves
Curry Coastal Pilot

This is a column that almost never was — thanks to a rift in the space time continuum.

Time rifts, also known as temporal rifts, are weaknesses in space and time that allow people to visit In-and-Out Burger restaurants located at different points along the quantum timeline. It’s also the reason why our socks disappear in dryers.

Think of it this way: You’re at work and the clock says 4:59 p.m. and then you look at the clock five minutes later and it’s still 4:59 p.m. That’s the space time continuum.

Or you wake up at 6 a.m., close your eyes for five minutes and wake up to find it’s 8 a.m. and you’re late for work. That’s the space time continuum.

Whenever something goes wrong I blame it on the space time continuum. Why not? Science fiction writers do it all the time, especially to fill galaxy-size plot holes in their scripts.

Writer 1: “Uh, Bob. The ending of your script makes absolutely no sense.”

Writer 2: “I know. Let’s blame it on a rift in the space time continuum!

Writer 1: “You’re a genius!”

I tried that approach at home. Once.

Me: “Honey, I got you a wonderful anniversary gift but it was sucked into a rift in the time space continuum.”

Wife: “Yeah, right.”

Me: “And then scary space aliens ate it!”

Wife (handing me a blanket): “Enjoy the couch.”

Scientists try to explain the space time continuum using fancy words such as “relativity,” “infinite improbability drives” and “midi-chlorians.” (And they wonder why they never get a date.)

A recent BBC news story reported that scientists in a small, unassuming laboratory in the Scotland capitol of Edinburgh were attempting to rip a hole in the space time continuum by simulating a black hole. Now, if I were a resident of Edinburgh I’d be a tad concerned that somebody next door was trying to create something that could DESTROY ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT! There should be a law against doing that. I checked. There is. According to the Edinburgh Homeowners Association rulebook: “Residents are strictly prohibited from letting their dogs poop on the lawn, painting their house chartreuse and creating black holes that destroy all life as we know it. Violators will be thrown into the nearest rift in the space time continuum.”

Many of life’s mysteries are linked to the space time continuum. Ever wonder why falling cats often land on their feet? According to a report from the AFC (Association of Falling Cats), scientists recently discovered that cats in midair often fall through invisible rifts in space into a parallel universe. Then, after stopping at In-and-Out Burger, the cats exchange places with their evil cat twins who were raised by Hungarian circus acrobats, thus allowing them to land on their feet upon returning from the parallel universe.

The space time continuum isn’t all bad. It’s a great intro for jokes: “A priest and sailor walk into a space time continuum …”

Or a business door sign: “Sorry. Out to lunch exploring the space time continuum. Be back at 1 p.m. or in 10 million years.”

Or as a fundraiser: Scientists recently funded their research on flux capacitors and timey-wimey stuff by publishing a line of space time continuum greeting cards with sayings such as:

“You’re turning 60! That’s only 6,000 years in space time continuum years.”

“My deepest sympathy. I hope you find your lost sock soon.”

And my favorite:

“Honey, I got you a wonderful anniversary gift but it sucked into a rift in the time space continuum.”

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Scott Graves was editor of the Curry Coastal Pilot from September 2000 to November 2017. He can be reached by calling 541-469-3123 or tonguetiedandtwisted@yahoo.com

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