Quite often I have let my dog, Missy, write a column. Once I let my dog, Georgia, write a column. Both will someday write more columns. People seem to enjoy what they write. I’ve even been told my dogs are better writers than I am.

However, this time, I have decided to reveal their true selves. What did I do? I put magical recorders around my house. These unique devices record dog thoughts.

One rainy day, I left them home. I turned on the recorders using my secret remote control and captured their conversation.

Here are excerpts of the transcript.

10:36 a.m.

Missy: Well, it looks like he’s abandoned us again. He left without us. I’m so sad.

Georgia: Did you just say he left? Party time!

Missy: Don’t even think about it. You stay curled up on the recliner. That’s where he saw you last. That’s where he expects you to be.

Georgia: Not when I can chew on my toys.

Missy: Behave yourself.

11:11 a.m.

Missy: It’s time to make a wish.

Georgia: I am. I wish I could rip the stuffing out of this teddy bear.

Missy: If you keep shaking it and throwing it around, your wish may come true.

Georgia: What about this bone. I’m going to pounce on this bone now.

Missy: Georgia, go lay on the recliner.

Georgia: Make me.

12:44 p.m.

Georgia; I’m hungry. I wonder what Billy left on the table.

Missy: You’re not suppose to get on the table.

Georgia: Hey look, Missy, there’s a bag of pork rinds.

Missy: Don’t get them down from the table. You’ll get in trouble. Now get down.

Georgia: And here is a container of cheese. Billy always puts this cheese on pasta.

Missy: Why did you just bring this all down onto the floor?

Georgia: Because I’m going to open it.

Missy: No – oh, too late. Now look, you got grated cheese all over the carpet.

Georgia: Yes, and it’s good. Oh, but these rinds are kind of spicy.

Missy: Oh, now look what you’ve done. Now I have to help you clean it up.

Georgia: Cleaning up. Yeah, right! So, is it good?

Missy: Shut up.

2:13 p.m.

Missy: I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go surf the Internet. Maybe I can get ideas for my next column.

Georgia: I say we hack Billy’s Facebook account.

Missy: Easy now. He takes it serious. You know how he feels when you say things and he gets the blame for them.

Georgia: Yeah, but my comments are silly, and sometimes crude.

Missy: Get away from the computer. I’m going to do some serious writing.

Georgia: Yes, you are such the writer. I think you’re a writing snob.

Missy: It seems to me that some dogs are not considerate of literary experts.

~~~

Bill Schlichting is features editor of the Curry Coastal Pilot. He can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it