My fruitless job search
I have been searching for a part time job for about a year and a half. Normally, it shouldn’t take that long to find a job, but this is a special case.
You see, it’s all part of yet another conspiracy against me. All the potential employers in town have received the message not to hire me, at all costs.
I even saw a billboard that said “Now Hiring,” and in tiny letters at the bottom, “Unless you’re Jake Westbrook.”
Here’s a typical job interview:
Employer: “Wow! I can tell just by looking at you that you were meant to be our next CEO! You’ll get a multimillion dollar paycheck, your own 12 story office, a luxury mansion, and 250 Dodge Chargers if you accept our offer!”
Employer: “Just let me know your name so I can put it on the check.”
Me: “Jake Westbrook.”
Employer: “Get out of here and don’t ever speak to me again.”
I finally got a job at a local grocery store and had to attend the employee orientation yesterday, during which we saw an educational film titled, “The Adventures of Safety Susan and Accidental Eric.”
It’s a wonder that Eric isn’t dead yet. He’s the stupidest employee on the face of the Earth.
In every segment of the film, they would show Accidental Eric doing something stupid, like, say, using a box cutter in the wrong way and stabbing himself with it.
Suddenly, Safety Susan leaps out of nowhere and says, “Gee, Eric, I don’t think you’re using that box cutter correctly.”
“I’m not?” he says, trying to stop the bleeding from his chest wound.
“No you’re not, Eric,” says Susan. “Do you want me to show you the right way to use a box cutter?”
“Gee, I’d appreciate that, Susan. Can you hand me some rolls of gauze first?”
Safety Susan then proceeds to show Eric the proper method to cut open a box.
“Golly, Susan, that’s peachy keen! Neat-o-riffic! Thanks ever so much for showing me that!”
“You’re welcome, Eric. Now just don’t make that mistake again.”
“Don’t worry, Susan, I won’t!”
Susan then flies off as Eric returns to his job and proceeds to impale himself with the loading forklift.
“Gee golly, where’s Safety Susan when I need her?”
Math Destroys Minds?
The national crime rate is up. Robberies, murders, gang violence and senseless destruction is on the rise. The top three causes? Calculus, algebra, and geometry.
A recent study done on students nationwide showed that criminal behavior is directly linked to high school mathematics courses. Students who spent about 15 minutes a day doing math automatically started using profanity and vandalizing public property. Those who spent a half hour or more each day were more likely to rob a convenience store, join a gang, commit murders, and land in prison.
“Simple,” says a psychlogist for a famous U.S. university. “Abolish all math classes. The less these kids study, the better their futures will be.”
Coincidentally, a similar study showed that kids who watch excessive television, goof off all the time and read comic books instead of doing their homework tend to become scientists, astronauts, and presidents.
Editor’s note: Ever wonder what goes on inside the mind of an 11th grader? Find out with the Pilot’s newest columnist: Jake Westbrook, a 16-year-old student at Brookings Harbor High School.